I am not strong


I am not strong as people think I am. I am actually deep down scared to death. Life has been very overwhelming lately. There is a lot going on. Today I’m broken and tired and extremely sad. I have not let myself break down. I have been fighting to keep my sons healthy and not let it overtake me. The stress it puts on all of us and all I really want is them healthy and normal.
I have talked about my biggest fears. I think there are a lot more than I realized. After I finally broke down the last few days I realized the biggest one is death. I’m scared to death of death. Kind of ironic I know. In the last few years I have almost lost my husband and this last year almost my son. I am not sure what I would do if I ever did. I would be a mess. I would probably go off the deep end.

There is a family who lost their husband/dad/son yesterday. It really hit home. My husband had a heart attack 4 years ago, that was one of the scariest days of my life. They pretty much told me he was dying but he didn’t. It ended up being ok. He was fine after all. But yesterday this family lost the love of their life, it was not ok. It was just out of no where. Thats what scares me the most. Out of no where, all of sudden your loved one is gone. I only knew this person a little bit, I had met him once or twice and he had prayed for my son and husband a few months ago. I heard this news yesterday and it floored me because the emotions I’m hiding came flooding out. Why is there so much sadness and death? It seems to be happening a lot lately.  I really can’t quite comprehend it.

I just let it overtake me. I say, should I just close my eyes and ignore it, but I can’t. The pain, It seems to be everywhere anymore. Or maybe its always been here I just see it more, my eyes are open. I go to bed and wake every morning trying to be thankful for all I have but some days I’m not too good at it. I think it’s ok to be sad sometimes it’s just ok. I just don’t want to be in a numb state of mind and just blur through life. I want to really feel it, make it worthwhile and I guess Im realizing we might just not be doing that 100% and I know it’s not possible all the time. Especially with daily worries of your spouse or children’s health etc.But If there’s an opportunity for something, I want to take it.

Think about this if you knew you or your loved one would not be here tomorrow what would change? What would you do differently? Would you still be upset because the laundry didn’t get done or your kid scribbled on the kitchen table or smeared the windows you just cleaned? Do these things matter? Really they don’t because I know everyday I have laundry and dishes and smears and that mean my house is a home. That means we are living and breathing and my kids are running free and enjoying life. I can freak out on my kids cause they are messy but why? I will miss those smears and dirt someday. Ok i might not actually miss the mess but you get the point. So choosing to let it go and not get so heated when the kids make messes, life’s too short. Everyday I realize that more and more. Of course I’m going to clean and they will help but to let little things make me frustrated is silly so i will choose not too. No matter if I’m stressed or not.

So my question, what are your dreams and desires? Are you following them or just barely making it? Are you really thankful for all you got? It’s all in what we choose to do. its our choice to make a better life for ourself.
I want to follow my dreams and my kids to follow their dreams even if there are a few roadblocks thrown their way. We will fight even when i feel weak. Im going to snuggle my kids tight and sniff their hair cause I love their fresh smell 😉 and kiss and hug them. Im going to cherish them and I’m going to be thankful today for what I have. I let myself breakdown and now i have picked up my pieces and I’ll try to be strong again until my next breakdown because hey I’m only human. Today I’m going to go take my day and enjoy it with my kids and I will tell my husband how much I love him and how thankful I am.


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